From Toddlers to Teens
For my husband and I, raising teenagers has definitely been a different journey than raising toddlers! When our children were small, they were active and had unstoppable energy, but they were within our sight at all times. We were able to set healthy, safe boundaries for them that we could easily enforce. They were little and completely dependent on their daddy and mommy. But now, three of our four kids are teenagers. They are often not in our eyesight, and I'm not even sure that any GPS system could keep up with their many activities. They are becoming much more independent than my heart wants to accept. Though we still set safe boundaries for them, when they are out of our sight (which is often) it is up to them to stay within those boundaries. Two of my teens are now over 18, and I find that I have to remind myself that they are young adults who need my counsel and blessings, not always my decision-making.
So far we have been very fortunate because our teens have kept very open communication with us and have responded to our counsel and the Lord's (with a few momentary exceptions). Is it always easy? NO! They are trying to find their way in their beginning of adulthood, and yet they are still needing their parents for most of their needs. Everything in us wants to scoop them up into our arms and keep them there. We long to protect them from pain and heartbreak but know that we must allow them to grow and learn outside of the protection of our arms, yet always in the protective arms of Jesus.
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Most evenings we find ourselves sitting at home alone with our eleven-year-old son while our teenagers are off at another social activity. Our hearts soar when they are home, but even then, they are rarely far from the reach of their cell phones (not that they talk on them anymore...I think they text message every teenager in America!). It's as if their friends are never out of reach. I don't even think that we are on their top five friends list. It is a strange new world as parents of teens...one that we are having to carefully navigate our way through.
Conformed and Transformed Into the Image of Christ
"For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren" (Romans 8:29).
A couple of weeks ago, we faced an issue with one of our teens that played out differently than we had hoped. This teen had a decision to make that involved both values and beliefs. They came and sought our counsel on more than one occasion regarding this decision. Our teen had strong feelings about this but also wanted to hear from us and the Lord. When the decision was finally made, our child ended up deciding to use our counsel as a backup plan (in other words he/she would take our counsel if the decision they made turns out to be wrong). This was the first time this teen had not followed our counsel, and I found myself saddened by their decision to go with feelings instead.
As I prayed about this matter, the Lord began speaking to me about young people. He said that He is longing for the youth to be conformed into the image of His Son, rather than merely conforming to be what someone else wants them to be. They can fairly easily conform to look like a Christian, but it takes transformation to actually live and believe like one. To conform (or transform) into the image of Christ is a deep work in the heart and spirit in an individual, but to conform merely to please men (even parents) can be only surface deep. Although the counsel that we had given our teen was good, and it would also serve to spare them any undue pain, we had to give them the freedom to make a mistake (as long as it would not permanently harm them or someone else). God is not merely looking for obedience in His people, but He is longing for transformed lives also!
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:2).
As I spent more time with the Lord, He began to remind me of all of the times in my life that I had made wrong decisions. Many times, those wrong decisions became the very tool that God used to transform areas of my life. They taught me (sometimes through pain) the value of accountability, Godly counsel, Biblical truths, integrity and character. Remember, areas like character are rarely taught...they are formed. Character is formed in the hand of the Master Potter and then strengthened in His refiner's fire more often than not. Though we can teach our youth about character, the transformation of their character rarely happens in a Sunday sermon or in a classroom, but rather it is formed in the journey of living what they have learned.
The Three Little Pigs--A Modern Day Parable
It is a habit of mine to lay in bed at night and give the Lord time to speak to me in the quiet. A few nights ago, I was just waiting and listening for His voice, when He began to remind me of the story of the "Three Little Pigs." I'm not sure how the actual story begins, but when the Lord told it to me, He began by telling me about the "mother pig" (I did not take this personally!). Though the mother pig knew that there were wolves outside seeking to devour her three little pigs, they were growing up, and she knew that it was time to allow them to go out and begin to find their own way.
The fear of the wolves could have taken hold of her, but this was a "mother pig" who believed in the fear of the Lord even more. The fear of the Lord was where she put her trust rather than in her ability to keep them safe from the wolves. As her three sons left the safety of her home, she placed them into the loving care of their Heavenly Father. She gave them the tools they would need to build their own homes, and then she released them and prayed.
And no one can ever lay any other real foundation than that one we already have--Jesus Christ. But there are various kinds of materials that can be used to build on that foundation. Some use gold and silver and jewels; and some build with sticks and hay or even straw! There is going to come a time of testing at Christ's Judgment Day to see what kind of material each builder has used. Everyone's work will be put through the fire so that all can see whether or not it keeps its value, and what was really accomplished. Then every workman who has built on the foundation with the right materials, and whose work still stands, will get his pay (1 Corinthians 3:11-14).
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The First Little Pig
The first little pig was not the most responsible in the bunch! He would rather dance and play than build a house that kept wolves out (boy, does that sound like me when I was a teen). This pig decided to build a house made of hay and straw. It was built quick and easy so that he could go out and dance and play. That night the wolf came to his door and "huffed and puffed and blew his house down." But, his Heavenly Father was watching over him, and he escaped unharmed and ran to the house of the second little pig.
The Second Little Pig
The second little pig (the middle child) was a bit more responsible but also liked to rest and play. He took more time than the first little pig and he built a house of wood. Though it was a fine looking house and it impressed his friends, it still was not strong enough to withstand the wolf. One night while playing with the first little pig (remember, the first one ran to the second one's house to live) in his house made of wood, the wolf came to his door. Once again the wolf was able to "huff and puff and blow the house down." But...their Heavenly Father was still watching over them, and they escaped to the house of the third little pig.
The Third Little Pig
Now, the third and oldest little pig was the most responsible pig in the family. He had, through time, learned the lessons of wisdom through trial and error. He knew the strength of the wolf and knew that he would have to build a house strong enough to stand up against him. He built a house of bricks and mortar. Bricks are a humble material (not flashy to look at) but wisdom was his mortar. This third little pig built a house from a heart of humility and wisdom. It took time and hard work as he had to lay brick upon brick. It wasn't the fanciest house on the block but it was the strongest. The two younger brothers arrived at the third little pig's home to live, and when the wolf came he could not blow down this house...because the Master Builder had taught the third pig how to build a strong house and directed the first and second pig where to run for safety. Together they lived in the safety of their humble house of bricks, built with wisdom.
Why did the Lord tell me this story? It was because I was struggling with how to let my teens go forward without either overprotecting them or leaving them to be devoured by the wolves. This story brought balance to me. The mother pig gave her sons the tools that they needed to build a strong house, and then she entrusted them into the arms of the One whose eyes would never leave them. She was placing her trust in the fear of the Lord rather than living in the fear of the wolf.
Even though the first and second pig were foolish little pigs, the Heavenly Father was watching over them. He did not allow the wolf to touch them, although He did allow the wolf to destroy all that was made in foolishness.
The Moral of the Story
The moral of this story is that the best thing that we can do is to give our youth the tools and training that they need (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) as they begin to grow into adulthood and then the freedom to use those tools, always remembering that their Heavenly Father never sleeps nor slumbers but watches over them day and night.
It is not about overprotecting or neglecting...it is about learning to parent or mentor in the fear of the Lord. We tend to overprotect when we have a greater fear of the wolves than the fear of the Lord. Remember, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Are the wolves real? Yes! But so is the Lord! He will never leave or forsake you or your child.
He knows where wisdom is and declares it to all who will listen. He established it and examined it thoroughly. And this is what he says to all mankind: 'Look, to fear the Lord is true wisdom; to forsake evil is real understanding'" (Job 28:27-28).
The Tool Box
Recently my husband, Jeff, began to set up tool boxes for both of our sons. Their new toolboxes are well equipped. They have shiny new tools that will last them a lifetime. But if he doesn't teach them how to use those tools, then they will be of no use to them. A couple of weeks ago, Jeff had a project in our backyard that required assembling a table and chairs. Our youngest son, Jonathan, came out with his new toolbox, and his dad showed him how to use a number of his tools. The next week, Jonathan wanted to help with a small project, and was able to use those tools without any assistance. He is beginning to be transformed into a true handyman.
Rules or Grace
I find that often, as Christians, we put a lot of extra rules on our kids. Everything from rules about how to dress for church to what kind of music to listen to (and more). Rules are necessary for all of mankind because we live in a fallen world. Rules can be healthy boundaries and safety for our young people. But we often take them too far.
When have we gone too far? When our rules are birthed out of fear rather than faith. The fear of the Lord is faith in the Lord! Fear of the world causes us to control our children rather than to teach them to use the tools we have given them. If we as parents, pastors, or leaders seek to control our youth rather than equip them, then they will go into the world as adults completely unable to use the tools they need. They may conform to our rules, but they will not be transformed into what we long for them to be. Almost anyone can be controlled by a heavy enough hand, but we must lead our teens with wisdom and trust. Equipping them requires time and relationship, but this is what they need to effectively resist the "wolves."
Let's give our young people the guidance that they need and the freedom to try out the tools that we have given them. They won't learn if they can't use them. Let's not settle for conformity to the likeness of a church structure or to a set of rules, but let us usher them into being transformed into the image of Christ. They may initially build a house of hay or wood, but that may be a part of their journey to learning how to live in wisdom and humility. Remember that greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world!
"You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world" (I John 4:4).
The Capstone of Grace
One of the greatest gifts that we can put in our young people's spiritual tool box is a tool called grace. It is a power tool that both the strong and the weak can use. There are no rules to grace, other than the realization that you can't use your own strength to power it. Grace is the new order that Jesus brought to us, and it is more powerful than rules. Read here about it in Hebrews 9:1-15 (this is lengthy but worth the read!):
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Now in that first covenant between God and Israel, there were regulations for worship and a sacred tent here on earth.
There were two rooms in this tent. In the first room were a lampstand, a table, and loaves of holy bread on the table. This was called the Holy Place.
Then there was a curtain, and behind the curtain was the second room called the Most Holy Place.
In that room were a gold incense altar and a wooden chest called the Ark of the Covenant, which was covered with gold on all sides. Inside the Ark were a gold jar containing some manna, Aaron's staff that sprouted leaves, and the stone tablets of the covenant with the Ten Commandments written on them.
The glorious cherubim were above the Ark. Their wings were stretched out over the Ark's cover, the place of atonement. But we cannot explain all of these things now.
When these things were all in place, the priests went in and out of the first room regularly as they performed their religious duties.
But only the high priest goes into the Most Holy Place, and only once a year, and always with blood, which he offers to God to cover his own sins and the sins the people have committed in ignorance.
By these regulations the Holy Spirit revealed that the Most Holy Place was not open to the people as long as the first room and the entire system it represents were still in use.
This is an illustration pointing to the present time. For the gifts and sacrifices that the priests offer are not able to cleanse the consciences of the people who bring them.
For that old system deals only with food and drink and ritual washing-external regulations that are in effect only until their limitations can be corrected.
So Christ has now become the High Priest over all the good things that have come. He has entered that great, perfect sanctuary in Heaven, not made by human hands and not part of this created world.
Once for all time He took blood into that Most Holy Place, but not the blood of goats and calves. He took His own blood, and with it hHe secured our salvation forever.
Under the old system, the blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a young cow could cleanse people's bodies from ritual defilement.
Just think how much more the blood of Christ will purify our hearts from deeds that lead to death so that we can worship the living God. For by the power of the eternal Spirit, Christ offered Himself to God as a perfect sacrifice for our sins.
That is why He is the one who mediates the new covenant between God and people, so that all who are invited can receive the eternal inheritance God has promised them. For Christ died to set them free from the penalty of the sins they had committed under that first covenant.
I want to equip my teens' spiritual toolbox with grace. If grace can be the capstone of their lives, then they will be safe from the wolves, from their own false sense of strength, and from guilt when they fall down. Zechariah 4:6-7 says:
Then He answered and said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the LORD of hosts. 'What are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel [you will become] a plain; and He will bring forth the cap stone with shouts of "Grace, grace to it!"
Prayer
Heavenly Father, we ask You to teach us how to both parent and mentor our teens. They belong to You! Teach us the fear of the Lord and free us from living in the fear of the world and the fear of the "wolves." Help us to make decisions about our teens from the wisdom of Your counsel rather than from fear that will control both us and them. Help us to equip them with the tools that they need and the ability to know how to use them. Most of all, we need Your grace! Teach us how to live in Your grace and to show them Your grace. Conform them into the image of Your Son. Transform them into humble and wise men and women who will place the cap stone of grace in the foundation of their lives and generation. Thank You for watching over our youth and for teaching us how to equip and release them. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Grace To You,
Kathi Pelton
Choose Life
Email: jkpelton@sbcglobal.net
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